Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
