Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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