The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
