Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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