Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
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It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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