woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
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You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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