My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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