Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
