omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
