he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
