Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
