He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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