I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
