i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
