He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
