I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
