You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
