You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
