Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
