I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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