Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
