i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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