You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
