I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
