We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
