So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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