i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
