I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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