Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
