I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
