I only kidnapped one of them. chill
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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