If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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