party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
