mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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