my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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