What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
