i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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