Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize