im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Text me some of your sweat
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
