Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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