So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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