I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
There's always time for handjobs
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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