At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
