I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
