I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
