ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.