Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!