I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What changed your mind?
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.