I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
