2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
we're chasing vodka with high fives
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
