It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
