she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
