Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
