Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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