i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
