Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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