what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
