I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
