like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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