Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
