I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
