If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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