When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
YAS. BRING CRAB.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
